Friday, October 30, 2009

Guler din oglinda

Ieri m-am indoit pentru prima oara ca voi putea fi un terapeut bun. Sunt salbatica. Salbatica by choice. Stau, observ ca am mai multe posibilitati de reactie, ca ma descurc cu oricare dintre ele si o aleg pe cea care ma exprima mai bine. Aia salbatica :) O aleg, nu navaleste peste mine. Nu ma scuz ca nu ma pot controla.

Cand vad oameni care fug de ceea ce simt, care s-ar duce mai degraba peste mari si tari decat sa rezolve relatia care ii face sa fuga, imi vine sa-i iau de umeri si sa-i scutur serios. Are you ******* idiot???! Vrei sa fii nefericit pentru mii de zile de acum incolo? Chiar iti doresti nopti in care sa te framanti? Chiar iti doresti boli si suferinte despre care sa te intrebi apoi mirat de unde vin? Din deciziile neluate si din curajul neavut, surpriza!

Cand vad femei care se multumesc sa nu fie iubite la nebunie ci tolerate pe jumatate doar pentru ca sunt utile la casa omului, care se complac in relatii cu barbati care se cer prin alte parti, imi vine sa le dau palme. Asa, dupa gust. Noroc ca m-a crescut mama si nu o tanti mai putin ordonata si la linie, ca nu rezistam prea mult in societate cu uraganele mele interne.

Cand aud oameni mari si maturi spunand ca ei nu au reusit sa faca x lucru pentru ca parintii lor, atunci cand aveau ei 5 ani au facut nu mai stiu ce si vezi doamne, de-aia... I-as pune sa se uite bine de tot intr-o oglinda pe care apoi le-as face-o guler. Cati ani ai matale acum? Cum? 30, nu 5? Esti pe picioarele tale si dai vina pe mami si pe tati?

Si cand ma vad pe mine, ieri. Cum o mare parte din mine crede ca daca ar fi facut ea altfel, cineva nu s-ar fi dus pe aleea gresita in viata. Ea, vezi bine, stie mai bine si el, vezi bine, are nevoie de indrumare si face alegeri in functie de altii, nu de propriul lui instinct de viata. Si pe mine m-as fi scuturat, palmuit si dotat cu guler de oglinda. Toate la un loc, deoarece cu ochisorii cei doi m-am vazut cantarind optiunile si alegand varianta salbatica, desi puteam face mai bine.

Abia dupa cateva seturi adanci de inspirat-expirat, abia dupa cateva ganduri 'sunt zen si una cu natura-aaa!', abia atunci sterg cu un burete imaginar optiunea salbatica. Desi inteleg de dinainte ca trebuie sa stau putin mai la o parte si sus ca sa vad clar, abia atunci si simt asta.

Abia atunci imi repet inca o data (offfff!) ca daca nu incetez sa fiu atat de organica, nu voi putea niciodata sa sustin pe nimeni. Si imi va fi greu sa ma sustin si pe mine daca circumstantele se vor zdrentui prea tare.

Ma enerveaza. Sunt un vanzator prost. Mi s-ar fi potrivit sa fiu profet. De ce nu e suficient simplul enunt? Sa fie lumina, asa, in general!

35 comments:

ajnanina said...

asa e. n-ai sa fii un terapeut bun. ci unul excelent.
chiar strigand la ei, chiar implicandu-te.

in ciuda standardelor si eticilor.
si alaturi de oamenii aceia.

care vor invata din clipa aceea mai mult decat din celelalte experiete de dezvoltare personala mai pe uscat.

n-as numi optiunea ta salbatica, ci naturala.
ceea ce faci tu tine de primul ajutor. restul, dupa.

singurul dezavantaj, cel pentru care terapeutii care mor de teama atasamentului si a transferului evita reactia naturala, est ca acel om va mai avea nevoie o vreme de tratament asemnanator.
unii nu-s in stare sa-si asume asta :)))

tine-o tot asa, atata timp cat nu tre sa dai socoteala pentru asta unora care...

Danonino said...

.. construiesc in birouri manuale de etica si standarde?

Multumesc :) Bine spus "experiente uscate".

castleless said...

da, n'ai fi un terapeut bun. ai dreptate.

fiindca daca nu ai empatia necesara pentru a simti cum a ajuns omul respectiv la fundul sacului, stors de resurse... cum unica lui actiune mai poate fi de a intelege de unde a pornit avalansa care i'a taiat picioarele...

fiindca daca nu ai experienta care sa'ti arate pe viu ce inseamna sa urli la corpul tau care nu te mai asculta fiindca apa rece i'a taiat accesul la resurse.

vad la tine forta tineretii care poate sa rupa muntii.

timp de aproape 7 ani i'am spus unei fete ca are corp frumos, ca are sani frumosi, chiar asa mici... si am vazut'o cum se impotrivea ceva dinauntrul ei in fata acestor afirmatii. ii simteam indaratnicia emotionala care se opunea, care nu vroia sa accepte ca ar fi o persoana ok. ii vedeam fruntea si care maruntea tot felul de rationamente conform carora pentru care eu spun asa ceva fara sa fie adevarat. ii vedeam ochii care fugeau in toate directiile cautand sa vada alte motive pentru care eu spun lucruri false.

...daca nu ii simti, daca nu ii intelegi, daca nu poti sa fi in pantofii lor... efectiv nu poti avea respect fata de ceea ce simt ei, fata de ei. moment in care... cum ar accepta cineva emotional ajutorul cuiva care nu'l respecta?
este ca si cum tu'mi spui ca il iubesti pe x si io'ti rad in nas ca x este un cretin si ca tu ceea ce simti este o parere de trei lei. te ajuta, nu?

castleless said...

legat de slabaticia de care spui: "Eu capitulam in fata hotararilor mele, nu le cuceream." (paler - viata pe un perion)

Sasha said...

Da, e grea tare lupta asta intre a ramane detasat, a da ajutor atunci cand ti se cere si a-i permite celuilalt sa isi traiasca si implineasca propriile alegeri (da, chiar alea prin care vrea sa sufere pana la 50 de ani pentru ca atunci cand avea 5 mama lui i-a ars o joarda la fund si l-a trimis la plimbare, adancindu-i ranile de respingere si umilinta)... si a te implica scuturandu-l si spunandu-i in fata omului "amice, esti idiot? trezeste-tem nene, nu mai pierde timpul, TREZESTE-TE!!!

E grea lupta asta. Si lunga. La mine se da in primul rand in mine, in munca de a ma accepta pe mine asa cum sunt, in fazele in care sunt, fara sa imi fac oglinda guler... de cate ori ma surprind (inca) hranindu-ma din energia conflictului, a barfei, a judecatii, a suferintei... la naiba!

Asa ca nu o sa dau nici un sfat. O sa zic doar ca iubirea si ajutorul celorlalti nu exista in lipsa iubirii, ajutorului si acceptarii pe care le simtim, in mod autentic, pentru noi insine.

Crezi ca Jung nu avea framantari din astea? Si uie ce ditamai terapeutul a fost, nene!

Cu multa simpatie, imi place mult cum scrii,
Sasha

Sasha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miha said...

Castleless, un terapeut e important sa ofere mai mult decat empatie. Bine, si empatie. Dar mai mult decat numai empatie. Empatie iti ofera un prieten, in cazul fericit in care nu te judeca si nu te acopera ca om cu sfaturi, oricat de bine intentionate.

Dani nu a spus nicaieri ca nu intelege cu toata fiinta si ca nu simte empatie. Doar ca va avea, ca terapeut, stilul ei mai implicat. Probabil ca nu-si va numi niciodata oamenii indurerati "clienti" :)

castleless said...

uhm... cine a zis ceva despre oferit empatie?
empatia este insa necesara pentru a intelege situatia nebunului... pentru a nu'l desconsidera... pentru a face diferenta intre afirmatiile sale si convingerile sale... empatia este instrument de cunoastere. vara mai saraca (dintr'un anumit punct de vedere) a intuitiei.
desi chiar si oferita am vazut ca nu strica. in psiho-terapeuto-bla-bla... (ca's o gramada de nume orientari, directii).
iar eu chiar am vazut dispret fata de cei care i'ar veni cu o anumita categorie de replici... so... let's read aghein...
"pentru ca parintii lor, atunci cand aveau ei 5 ani au facut nu mai stiu ce si vezi doamne, de-aia" - la mine suna a dispret. urmat de furie cu oglinda facuta guler.
si asta nu pentru ca la 5 ani as fi patit ceva (eram prea ocupat sa dezbrac fetite la gradinita sau pe unde mai reuseam)...
uite chiar acum ma gandesc! poate a gresit varsta, ie vorba de 2-4 ani, iar eu dezbracam atat de multe fetite la 5 ani pentru ca pana atunci deja invatasem ceva modele comportamentale si o vazusem / simtisem (copiii, chiar mai pe bune decat animalele - simte!) pe mama umbland brambura - la 5 ani era deja la al treilea sot... dracu' stie la al catelea barbat.
sau o fi varsta mai tarzie - o fi 6 ani si juma' - ca de atunci am inceput sa fiu batut constant de al treilea sot... si o invit la 30 si ceva de ani pe daniela sa intre putin in mine, sa vada cat de obositor este sa temperezi non-stop o frica si o stare de vinovatie constante... infipte acolo, pe care nu ai de unde sa le apuci, nu mai sunt practic relationate cu nimic real, palpabil... dar ele traiesc luale'ar dracu' de sine statatoare. isi gasesc hrana din orice si trebuie sa stau cu biciul langa ele intr'una. bag cracu' dupa 10-15 ani de cautari si biciuit m'am plictisit sa tot fac asta. am obosit. si vine o pustoaica si spune ca vrea sa'mi faca guler o oglinda fiindca este incapabila sa inteleaga altceva decat ceea ce a experimentat pe propria'i piele. si nici macar nu cere ca arghezi (parca) sa vada (sa pipaie) ca sa creada. ci refuza din start!... dupa cativa anisori de citit carti penibile (zic penibile fiindca si eu, am gasit mai multa psihologie in cartile de filozofie decat in cele de psihologie - sunt numai 15 ani de cand tot caut, iar la anu' fac 20 in cap de cand ma lupt sa sterg sechelele a 8 ani de teroare din copilarie).
dar probabil ca o oglinda in cap imi va rezolva toata povestea!

Danonino said...

Multumesc pentru comentariu si ganduri, Sasha :)

Ma simt bine de la intelegerea din randurile tale, exact despre aceasta lupta era vorba: lupta interioara intre claritatea cu care vedem adesea solutii pentru ceilalti (si le vedem tocmai pentru ca ar rezolva si in noi ceva) si tendinta de a-i sustine numai, de a-i asculta numai, lasandu-i sa treaca prin incercari in singurul fel in care pot trece: singuri.

Si eu ma gandeam la Jung... nu cred ca mai cunosc un alt caz de implicare in suferinta altora pana la a o trai personal.

(drum frumos in trei :) )

Danonino said...

Castleless, no comment, doar unul gradinitist: cred ca voiai sa pleci si te retin...

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The common man's suit has hardly changed for over a hundred years. True, there are numerous kinds for various situations, but they are all common in their search for a smart, sharp try to find the individual. The best part about common style for men is that it's effectively trendy efficiently cool. A well-groomed lady can more often than not appear his sharpest in a well-tailored suit, and this is a testament to the style of such clothing. A suit will undoubtedly be used to work in several occupations due to the professional look it affords to the wearer, instilling a feeling of respect and trust. Equally a suit will be worn to many social occasions, such as a tuxedo to a black-tie affair. This incredible versatility that allows matches to be used in almost all functions is what gives it its classic side and a permanent devote men's fashion.

Contemporary developments in traditional men's fashion

Whilst common men's styles will never be replaced, it is interesting to observe that changes in men's fashion trends have produced particular basic garments back in fashion. The popularity of vintage clothing, especially, has had back a wide-variety of common styles into men's wardrobes, such as that of the dandy gentleman. 'Dandy'is a term used to reference men who clothe themselves in a classic yet luxurious way, placing value on appearance and working in a sophisticated approach. This pattern for almost'over-the-top'traditional style for men is evident from events such as the'Tweed Run', wherever men and girls of all ages clothe themselves in notably Victorian-style attire and take to the roads on vintage cycles - with lots of the men wearing flawless mustaches! This really is just one of several types of data showing the resurgence of such variations. Additionally, there are numerous sites on the web which focus on gentlemanly type - such as'The Dandy Project'and'Dandyism'- as well as whole internet sites such as'The Art of Manliness'dedicated to giving articles on common men's fashion and grooming.

In summary, whilst certain issues with common men's style may be cut back as new developments, the simple garments which they are derived from will never fall out of fashion.

"All it requires are a few basic costumes. And there is one key - the simpler the better." - Cary Grant

StyleGun is an online men's fashion shop with a specialized angle.
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